Back by popular demand: "What the #@*$! do I do with all these leftovers"

Turkey Tortilla Soup

Another in a series of recipes to quench the age-old dilemma: ‘what do you do with all these Thanksgiving leftovers???’

Take the turkey carcass (if you have a generous friend like June, who gives you the whole damned thing; first pull off the big pieces to use in other mysterious ways) and break it up into manageable skeletal chunks. Take out all your aggressions from Black Friday! The long lines, the lunatics in the parking lot, the bogus newspaper ads ... and bust that puppy up; then pile the bones, skin, etc in your largest pot and cover with water.

Simmer the dickens out of it for hours on end. This is a good time to do laundry and wrap presents but not to leave the house. Or get drunk.

While we’re waiting ... here’s my list of (intended) ingredients:

• 2 cans (14 oz) crushed tomatoes (I cheated and got the kind with the mild chili peppers already mixed in)
• (1 can) black beans
• (1 can) corn
• celery, onions, green & red pepper
• cilantro
• lime
• grated cheese
• DOH! I forgot the tortillas!!!

I say ‘intended’ because I don’t know if this is what I’ll really put in there once it’s all said & done. It’s a work in progress ...

So I have chopped and sautéed one (each) green & red peppers, about ½ onion, and two stalks of celery. Once soft I added these to the broth (having dug out all the solid chunks and gently separated the turkey meat from bones, cartilage and other parts we don’t want to think too hard about) along with the two cans of tomatoes and a bunch of chopped cilantro.

Now the ‘authentic’-ish recipes seem to indicate that I need to puree this soup ... so I’ll cook it another 10-15 min. and then let it cool down (again) and puree it and get ready for the final assembly.

Warm up the pureed soup, adding the corn and beans. Right before serving, add the juice of one lime (and Tabasco if you are a sadist). Ladle into the bowl and then place a mound of turkey and cheese in the middle (*although I just mixed the turkey in at the same time as the beans and corn), then top that little molehill with avocado, chopped cilantro, and possibly a dollop of sour cream. (Is that redundant? Doesn’t ‘dollop’ just scream ‘sour cream’?) Top with the tortillas.

Now the tortillas – that’s another story. When I read about making tortilla strips I thought ‘Don’t these idiots know that Vons has tortilla chips for $2 a bag?!’ But then I made them and they are the absolute bomb; now THIS is something even my finicky teenagers will eat!!

Pour a skim of veggie oil in a frying pan over low-medium flame, then take a tortilla and cut it into slivers about 2-3” long and very skinny. Once the oil is good-and-hot sprinkle the tortilla strips in (they should start sizzling right away or the oil’s not hot enough) and let them cook a few seconds, then toss them gently in the hot oil with two forks until they are nice and brown and crispy. (You can make – and freeze - the soup ahead of time but do the tortillas right before serving.)

And that’s why it’s called ‘tortilla soup’ because the fried tortilla strips are so friggin’ awesome! The rest of the soup is just a platform (and a healthy one) for these nasty and delicious fried tortilla strip!

Turkey pot pie

Dice the turkey meat into bite-sized pieces. Gather up your leftover peas, carrots, mushrooms, pearl onions, parsnips, whatever veggies your have – and make sure they’re small eat-able bits. Remember we are only using veggies, and nothing that could be potential slimy like spinach or cabbage or kale ... and totally resist the temptation to put the mashed potatoes in the pie :-P SHOAL! Or gravy! DOUBLE-SHOAL!

If you have a really goody-two-shoes family who ate all their veggies and you don’t have enough for the pie, cook up some peas, carrots, diced celery and onions or whatever. Mushrooms, by the way, are a ‘must’ so buy some if you don’t have any leftover. (Haha if there are any men in your household check their bathroom, there are sure to be some growing there LOL)

Start your cream sauce by stirring a pat of butter and some flour over a low flame. Gradually add some chicken broth ... then maybe a little cream or half and half ... you want the sauce to thicken but not really be pasty. You might need to add more flour (watch the lumps!) or liquid – figure it out: you’re a grown-up.

If your turkey was brined and/or seasoned and basted, you probably don’t need to add any salt. Season with pepper and – ta da – tarragon: the magic ingredient.

Toss the turkey, veggies and cream sauce together and if you're a true masochist, make a crust ... or grab that Mrs. Smith’s pie crust you were going to use for the apple pie you never made. Add just enough filling into the bottom crust to be barely flush with the top, because it will bubble & seep so don’t mound it up. (Any extra filling you can serve on toast – this is something I think they used to eat in the 50’s so you can present it as some new ‘retro’ meal and everyone will think you’re all trendy and shit.)

Roll the top crust out thin so you have some extra pieces to decorate with. Put the top crust on, then ‘paint’ it with a mixture of egg and a teeny bit of water that’s been whipped together. Then cut out some shapes (autumn leaves ... turkeys ... skull & crossbones) and ‘glue’ these on with the egg-water, and then ‘paint’ over them lightly too.

Bake the pot pie in a 350º oven until the crust is done. Remember all the stuff in the middle is already cooked so it just needs to be warmed up.

Alas, you can freeze this until everyone has slid into complacency and forgotten what turkey leftovers are all about, and then surprise them some cold wintry night, like a pop quiz in math class. They won’t ever know what hit ‘em. Yum!