More PEACE

Coco is sleeping beside me; we’ve just finished watching Bend It Like Beckham (the greatest movie ever)on the laptop, in bed. Despite some things that are haywire in my life I realize if things are alright with your kids then everything else is bearable.

Because conversely – when things were going great in all other departments (work, love, racing, etc.) but were sh*t with Coco, it was unsettling. MORE than unsettling, it was a horror; I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t think straight … not when you’re worried about the path your child is taking (and doubting your own abilities. How many times did I say ‘THIS is what I’ve dedicated the last 18 years to? THIS is the product of my efforts?! I must be the crappiest mother on the planet! I must be an utterly sh*t person!)

And despite several people (including he-who-shall-not-be-named)telling me I needed to ‘let go and let her spread her wings,’ I could not turn away. Not when the precipice is the too steep, the path is wrong, the consequences too great!

There were ugly days but never one when she didn’t know how much I loved her and was concerned. ‘That I was not going to give up. And that I expected – with confidence! – better from her!

How must it feel to know someone dear had simply given up on you. ‘That in their book, this was just hunky dory. ‘That you are not worth the effort. (Oh gee, I guess I do know that!) Awful.

‘Much better to have someone riding your ass and pushing and prodding you in the right direction, because ultimately that niggling notion in the back of your head rushes to the forefront, and you have the confidence to turn around and grab that outstretched hand and step out of that abyss.

So I might be a fool, a pain-in-the-butt, downright Pollyanna at times, but I did not give up on my kid and here she is - after a great afternoon making provisions for the Ensenada Race, sushi dinner, coming up with a stellar plan for her 21^st birthday party, and having a greeting card signing extravaganza (is EVERYONE born in May ???)-  sleeping soundly next to me. Hogging the covers. We are goofy like that, again.